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3 Keys to Getting More Out of Your Relationships

Power Struggle - Relationship - Dallas Whole Life Counseling

July 9, 2020 by James Robbins, M.A., LPC

Resolving Conflicts and Letting Go Power Struggles

It’s all too easy to fall into negative habits with the people you are closest to, or work closely with. Your spouse, your family, your co-workers. When you spend a lot of time with someone, and when you share common goals, a sense of mutual dependency tends to develop. In various ways, you may feel stuck in these relationships. Power struggles may emerge. When you find yourself arguing with your spouse about how he folds laundry, it’s not really about how he folds laundry. Yet each person digs in, determined to hold his or her ground. How do you break this exhausting cycle? Here are three suggestions:

3 Keys to Getting More Out of Your Relationships

See the other person’s point-of-view

In session, when one of my clients expresses a strong political opinion, I often use this exercise. I ask him to describe the opposing political viewpoint in as thoughtful and intelligent way as possible. People usually struggle with this. It’s human nature to reduce opposing viewpoints down to something seemingly less credible, less threatening. So consider the person with which you are experiencing tension. Can you thoughtfully put her viewpoint into words without reducing her down to a cartoon villain or unwashed idiot? Winning this argument is NOT about expressing your own POV yet again. This will only trigger shutdown, automatic push back. Listen first. Make the other person feel heard. Accurately reflect her viewpoint back to her. This establishes trust. Maybe then she will feel safer in opening up and considering your views. Either way, when you authentically consider an opposing view without rushing to defend yourself, you are deepening and clarifying your own views.

Give them more of what they want

I realize this sounds counterintuitive. You probably feel the other person isn’t budging, so why make things worse by giving in? Well, it’s not about giving in–but it is about giving. Generosity conveys strength. It communicates a willingness to resolves things, to meet in the middle. For example, suppose your roommate wants you to be less messy. You want him to relax, to be less rigid about shared space. But he isn’t going to give you more of what you want for “free.” Maybe you’re at an impasse regarding tidiness of shared spaces, but can you give more in other ways? Try expressing an active interest in your roommate’s personal life, his family, his favorite TV show. Listen to him without interrupting, without interjecting your own opinion. Try building a bond, finding some space for common ground. Call a temporary truce on whatever longstanding issue. You”ll never truly resolve things with an enemy, but you might eventually resolve things with a friend. So make peace first. Give a little to get a little.

Don’t take it personally

The other person probably ins’t deliberately setting out to make your life miserable. He’s likely just trying to make his own life work. Somewhere along the way, perhaps you unintentionally pushed his psychological buttons. Underneath whatever specific disagreement, maybe this person is feeling fearful, anxious. Fear–rational or otherwise–often makes people dig in their heels. It makes them stick to the familiar, protect their habitual worldview. It’s less about you personally than it is the other person trying to protect herself from some unwanted consequence, some feared scenario. This likely has to do with her past. We especially tend to replay our early, unfinished family business in our adult relationships. But the same could be said about you. Does this conflict trigger any of your old issues? Are you trying to heal an old wound? Are you unconsciously using this person as a stand-in for someone earlier in your life?
A good rule of thumb is this: Whenever you find yourself in an exhausting, repetitive interpersonal conflict, you are 50% of the problem. But you are 100% responsible for resolving your 50%. You won’t win a shoving match by shoving. Find ways to step away from your automatic reactions. Cool off, take a deep breath, re-evaluate. Create some space for you, and the other person, to see the Bigger Picture.

Filed Under: Articles, Blog, Inspiration, Newsletter, Relationship

About James Robbins, M.A., LPC

James Robbins is a licensed professional counselor, published author and co-owner of Dallas Whole Life Counseling. He has over 15 years of experience helping people in various life stages that come from a wide variety of cultural, economic and family backgrounds. Learn more about his background by clicking here.

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