When we don’t get what we want from our romantic partner, we tend to punish him or her. It’s our way of “training” our partner to better meet our wants and needs. We withhold sex and affection. We become emotionally unavailable, spend more time at the office. We criticize, complain, condescend and nag. We may even have an affair or threaten to leave the relationship.
We often punish unconsciously, as we don’t like to think of ourselves as “petty” or “keeping score.” But make no mistake: Humans are petty. Humans keep score. If you’re not getting something you want from your partner, you’re likely keeping something from him as well, or inflicting something unpleasant on her. If you don’t share your toys, then I’m not going to share mine! This is why arguments between otherwise reasonable, sophisticated adults easily degenerate into third grade name-calling matches.
Retaliating when you don’t get what you want isn’t nearly as effective as supplying positive reinforcement when you do get what you want. Saying a sincere thank you that one time your partner does takes out the trash, usually works better than yelling at him or her the other nine times he/she doesn’t. It’s the same reason you give your dog a treat when it does a trick, rather than crating it every time it doesn’t.
More carrot, less stick.
About the Author: James Robbins is a licensed professional counselor, published author and co-owner of Dallas Whole Life Counseling. He has over 15 years of experience helping people in various life stages that come from a wide variety of cultural, economic and family backgrounds. Learn more about his background by clicking here.
