• Home
  • Common Issues
    • Mood
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
      • Panic
      • Social Anxiety
    • Relationships
      • Couples Counseling
      • Physical Intimacy Issues
      • Finding the Right Relationship
      • Family Issues
    • Coaching
      • Career
      • Life Coaching
      • Weight Management & Fitness Coaching
    • Other
      • Medicare and Senior Issues
      • Child and Adolescent
      • Christian Counseling
      • Chronic Pain and Medical Issues
      • Medication Evaluation and Management
  • About Therapy
    • Session Formats
      • Individuals
      • Couples
      • Kids and Teens
      • Families
      • Canine Counseling
    • Therapy Styles
      • Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
      • Family Systems (Psychodynamic)
      • Christian Counseling
      • Meditation and Mindfulness Training
      • Hypnosis Therapy Technique
    • FAQs
      • What is the difference between a psychologist and a counselor?
      • What is your confidentiality policy?
      • Does therapy really work?
      • How long will I need to be in therapy?
      • How often should I come?
      • How can I measure my progress in therapy?
      • What if I don’t share the same belief system or life circumstances as my therapist?
      • Can I use my insurance?
  • Inspiration
    • Articles
      • Blog
        • Getting Ahead of Your Anxiety

        • Raising Respectable Children – Am I Parenting the Right Way?

        • Superheroes – Why Do We Love Them

        • Combating Negativity to See the Big Picture

        • 8 Ways to Unstick Yourself and Find Motivation

    • Quotes
      • InstagramInstagram has returned invalid data.
    • Videos
      • Videos
        • Understanding Guilt and How It Works

        • Sexual Dissatisfaction

  • Checklist
    • Adult ADHD Self-Evaluation
    • Anxiety Self-Evaluation
    • Bipolarism Self-Evaluation
    • Depression Self-Evaluation
    • Panic Attack Self-Evaluation
    • Relationship Health Self-Evaluation
    • Social Anxiety Self-Evaluation
    • Sexual Dysfunction Self-Evaluation
  • About Us
    • Whole Life Philosophy
    • Staff
      • Heather Robbins, Ph.D., LP
      • James Robbins, MA., LPC
      • Leslie Scott, MS, LPC
      • Steve Reedy, MA, LPC, RMT, NMT
      • Breanna Katz-Estrada, MSW, LCSW
      • Emily McGlothlin, MS, LPC
      • Jon Johnston, MA, LPC
      • Kelly Kay Wynn, MS, MSW, LCSW
      • Marilyn Powell, Ph.D.
      • Diane Williams, MSW, LCSW
    • News
    • Blog
  • Contact Us
    • Rates
    • Insurance
      • Fees & Insurance
      • Medicare Part B
      • Blue Cross and Blue Shield
    • Location
    • Appointments
      • Schedule a Consultation
      • Scheduling Hours
      • Scheduling Policy
  • Social & Contact
    ‪(972) 755-0996

Dallas Whole Life Counseling

Licensed Psychologist and Therapists

Top 10 psychologists in Dallas, TX 2016 Top Counseling & Mental Health in Dallas

Schedule a Consult

Good Partner Bad Partner

Good Partner Bad Partner

May 23, 2016 by Ruth Okeefe

by James Robbins, M.A., LPC

Good Partner Bad Partner

“I don’t know why, but my partner changed. Around 2 years into the relationship, it’s like he/she became an entirely different person from the one I fell in love with.” As a couples counselor, I hear this all the time. In fact, it’s the rule rather than the exception in romantic relationships. But why?

Every infant has two mothers. At least it seems that way to the infant. The infant is hungry. A loving presence is there immediately to feed it, recognizing the infant’s hunger almost before the infant does. This is Good Mother, the magical mind-reading caretaker. But sometimes when the infant is hungry, things don’t go so smoothly. The caretaker is occupied or unable to feed the it, so the infant experiences discomfort. Its needs are being ignored by Bad Mother! The infant’s developing brain simply can’t recognize that there is only one mother. After all, you never see the two of them in the same room together.

We call this “splitting.” As adults, we often do this with our romantic partner. The first year or two of the relationship, he or she is all good, loving and devoted, anticipating your every need as if by magic. Then suddenly he or she changes, becoming selfish, dishonest, irritable. As adults, we recognize–intellectually at least–that there is only one partner. I know it seems like Bad Partner hijacked Good Partner’s body when you weren’t looking, but it doesn’t work like that.

No one is all good or all bad. When you are buzzing with the powerful high of a new relationship, it’s tempting to give in to the fantasy of Good Partner. At some deep biological level, our bodies remember the magical need-fulfilling creature that was Good Mother, and we’re all too ready to fall into outstretched arms. It’s not really that your partner changes somewhere along the way. It’s that you get to know this person more deeply, more completely. Those bad qualities? They were there all along, you just chose (unconsciously) not to see them. Maybe your friends even tried to warn you. Maybe you had your own doubts, but tried to look the other way.

Next time you are in a conflict with your partner, try to remember that this is not your enemy. This is not Bad Partner. This is an entire person with a wide range of qualities. They cannot magically anticipate your needs, just as you cannot magically anticipate his/hers They are not intentionally withholding the things you want the most, anymore than Bad Mother was intentionally withholding food. The person you love the most is usually the person that causes you the most pain. This isn’t malicious, and it probably isn’t even personal. It’s just the way intimate relationships work.

 

James Robbin | Dallas Whole LifeAbout the Author: James Robbins is a licensed professional counselor, published author and co-owner of Dallas Whole Life Counseling. He has over 15 years of experience helping people in various life stages that come from a wide variety of cultural, economic and family backgrounds. Learn more about his background by clicking here.

Filed Under: Articles, Blog, Education, Newsletter Tagged With: couples counseling, couples counselor, good versus bad, James Robbins

Search the Site

Latest Blog Posts

  • Getting Ahead of Your Anxiety
  • Raising Respectable Children – Am I Parenting the Right Way?
  • Superheroes – Why Do We Love Them
  • Combating Negativity to See the Big Picture
  • 8 Ways to Unstick Yourself and Find Motivation

Contact Us

North Dallas Location
6380 Lyndon B Johnson Freeway
Suite 299
Dallas, TX 75240

Plano Location
Legacy Place II
5700 Tennyson Parkway
Suite 300
Plano, TX 75024

Phone & Email
‪(972) 755-0996‬
contact@dallaswholelife.com

Office Hours
Mondays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Tuesdays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Wednesdays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Thursdays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Fridays: 9:00AM – 5:00 PM
Saturdays: 9:00AM – 5:00 PM
Sundays: Closed

Common Issues

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Couples Counseling
  • Physical Intimacy Issues
  • Panic
  • Senior Issues
  • Child & Adolescent
  • Christian Counseling
  • Career Coaching
  • Life Coaching
  • Social Anxiety
  • EMDR
  • Family Issues
  • Grief Counseling
  • Weight & Fitness
  • Eating Disorders
  • Chronic Pain
  • Medical Issues

Dallas Office Hours

Main Office: (972) 755-0996
Mondays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Tuesdays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Wednesdays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Thursdays: 9:00AM – 8:00 PM
Fridays: 9:00AM – 5:00 PM
Saturdays: 9:00AM – 5:00 PM
Sundays: Closed

Follow Us

Contact Us

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.
Dallas Whole Life Counseling | 6380 Lyndon B Johnson Fwy., Suite 299 | Dallas, TX 75240 | (972) 755-0996Copyright © 2022. All Rights Reserved. Website by Rokkit Marketing.