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What Can You Learn from Your Best (and Worst) Relationships?

Best-Worst Relationship - Dallas Whole Life Counseling

August 21, 2019 by James Robbins, M.A., LPC

I had a cat who compulsively pawed at her own shadow on the wall. Sometimes this habit seemed to entertain her. Sometimes it seemed to frighten her. The thing was, however frantically she pawed at that shadow, it pawed back just as frantically. My cat never seemed to figure out that the only way to truly “capture” her shadow was to recognize it was her shadow.

People as Mirrors

Most individuals never realize that the other people in their life are mirrors. You are instinctively drawn to people who somehow reflect your own best qualities back to you. You are strongly repelled by people who somehow reflect your own worst qualities. But like my cat and her complex relationship with her shadow, you likely don’t consciously experience other people as mirrors. So you try to influence these other people to behave in ways that make you feel better, that feed your ego, that reinforce your long-held ideas about yourself. You compulsively seek approval, acceptance, permission. Or you try to win an argument, prove a point, teach someone a lesson. If only these other people in your life would behave properly, life would be so much easier!

Recognizing Your Reflection

Think of someone you long to impress, or to get closer to. What are this person’s most admirable qualities? Consider that you are drawn to this person as a way of uncovering or maximizing your own best traits. Granted, maybe this person has certain qualities in great abundance that you only have in smaller amounts. The key to contentment is not gaining this other person’s favor. Rather, it’s learning to use your relationship with this person to bring out, to strengthen your own best qualities.

Now think of someone you long to avoid, prove wrong, or somehow “put in his place.” What are this person’s most off-putting qualities? Consider that you are repelled by this person as a way of hiding from or downplaying your own worst traits. Granted, maybe this person has a lot of certain negative traits, whereas you only have a little. The key to greater peacefulness in your life is not avoiding or “fixing” this other person. Rather, it’s learning to use your relationship with this person to become more aware of, and to loosen your grip on, your own worst qualities.

Filed Under: About Us, Articles, Blog, Common Issues, Education, Inspiration, Inspiration, Newsletter, Relationship, Relationships Tagged With: dallas counselor, dallas therapist, Dallas therapy, James Robbins, relationship advice, relationship help, relationships

About James Robbins, M.A., LPC

James Robbins is a licensed professional counselor, published author and co-owner of Dallas Whole Life Counseling. He has over 15 years of experience helping people in various life stages that come from a wide variety of cultural, economic and family backgrounds. Learn more about his background by clicking here.

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Latest Blog Posts

  • What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
  • Using Distraction as an Avoidance of Emotion
  • Tips for Managing Daily Activities while Struggling with Depression
  • Friendships: How to manage your boundaries and enjoy them more!
  • Recognizing Burnout and the Importance of Work-Life Balance

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13355 Noel Road, Suite 1100
Dallas, Texas 75240
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