Crowd out, don’t cut out. This is a core strategy of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). It’s a way of facilitating positive change in your life, especially when it comes to letting go of unwanted habits. Suppose I say to you, “Do whatever you’d like, just don’t think about a red-eyed polar bear.” Now all […]
Should You Go Above and Beyond in Your Interactions?
Used to be when I sat down for a haircut, I’d feel the need to make small talk. I’m not the biggest fan of small talk — but I felt an unspoken obligation to somehow entertain the person cutting my hair. So I’d compulsively chat about the weather, lawn care, freeway traffic patterns, whatever, until the […]
Who’s Winning Your Relationship?
Romantic relationships tend to revolve around power struggles. Even when you manage to resolve a longstanding issue–sex, money, parenting, in-laws, quality time, whatever–another one tends to pop up to take its place. This is because power struggles aren’t really about particular content so much as the need to be right, the need to win. Ultimately, no […]
What is Mindfulness?
You have three types of voices in your head: observing, craving, judging. You eat some cake and you notice, this cake is moist. This is your observing voice. Then you think, where can I get more of this delicious cake? This is your craving voice. Three slices of cake later, you conclude I ate too much cake, which means […]
Career and Memory Shortcuts
Memory is a funny thing. It tends to use shortcuts. One of these is called the “peak-end” rule. Take your job, for example. You have an overall idea of your job satisfaction, but you don’t remember every day of your job in detail. Instead, your brain remembers the extremes, the “peaks.” It remembers your very […]
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