From time to time you have a-ha moments. You can’t exactly make them happen. You can’t necessarily avoid them. There’s an element of surprise, of sudden understanding–hence a-ha! Suppose you’re confused about how modern lighting works. You think that a magic spell makes your light bulb turn on when you flip the switch. Then someone… CONTINUE
What is Mindfulness?
You have three types of voices in your head: observing, craving, judging. You eat some cake and you notice, this cake is moist. This is your observing voice. Then you think, where can I get more of this delicious cake? This is your craving voice. Three slices of cake later, you conclude I ate too much cake, which means… CONTINUE
The Wisdom of Uncertainty
“I don’t know.” There is incredible power and creative potential in these three little words. Yet it’s in human nature to avoid them like the bubonic plague. By the age of 25, I felt I’d looked into most of life’s Big Questions and come away with some definite answers. By the age of 35, I’d… CONTINUE
Growing Beyond the Gold Star Mentality
When you’re in kindergarten and you behave well or you accomplish some task you get a gold star. In and of themselves, these gold stars are worthless. But they’re shiny, they represent your teacher’s approval and — perhaps most importantly — you stick them to a prominently displayed chart for your fellow students to see…. CONTINUE
Anything But That
In the 90’s there was a popular song by the artist Meatloaf. I must have heard this song a hundred times, but I only remember one lyric: I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that. As a therapist, I often find myself having “anything but that” discussions. My clients often say things like:… CONTINUE
Can You Trust Yourself?
Trust yourself. It’s easy to say, hard to do. This is because self-trust has to be earned. How does anyone earn your trust? Is it by always getting things right? Probably not. It’s not mistakes that cause you to mistrust someone. It’s his lying about those mistakes, his covering of tracks. You don’t even have… CONTINUE
What Comes Around
“Everything that a man does, good or evil, he does it to himself.” — Friar Giles My years in the therapist chair have made one thing clear: No one gets away with anything. When you cause someone else to suffer, you also suffer. When someone causes you suffering, he causes himself suffering. This may not always be… CONTINUE
Anxiety, Relaxation and Focus
What’s the least helpful thing you can say to someone who is stressed and anxious? Just relax. Telling someone who is stressed to relax is like telling someone who wants to win the race to run faster. Obviously, if an anxious person could relax in that moment, she would do just that. And oftentimes, the harder… CONTINUE
Dealing with Repeated Cheating and Infidelity
Every “serial cheater” requires a “serial truster.” If your partner is repeatedly unfaithful, feeling like a victim won’t get you anywhere. Neither will looking the other way again and again. You don’t get points for ignoring the obvious. Looking the other way doesn’t make you generous or kind–it just makes you avoidant of the truth…. CONTINUE
Are You Fooling Yourself?
I’m so over it. Anyone who say this is, by definition, not over it. Therapists call this a reaction formation. Suppose you start a new job, only to discover your new boss is kind of an obvious jerk. But now you’re stuck with this guy. So maybe you do your best to convince yourself you admire his arrogance or enjoy his “colorful”… CONTINUE