What’s the least helpful thing you can say to someone who is stressed and anxious? Just relax. Telling someone who is stressed to relax is like telling someone who wants to win the race to run faster. Obviously, if an anxious person could relax in that moment, she would do just that. And oftentimes, the harder […]
Dealing with Repeated Cheating and Infidelity
Every “serial cheater” requires a “serial truster.” If your partner is repeatedly unfaithful, feeling like a victim won’t get you anywhere. Neither will looking the other way again and again. You don’t get points for ignoring the obvious. Looking the other way doesn’t make you generous or kind–it just makes you avoidant of the truth. […]
Are You Fooling Yourself?
I’m so over it. Anyone who say this is, by definition, not over it. Therapists call this a reaction formation. Suppose you start a new job, only to discover your new boss is kind of an obvious jerk. But now you’re stuck with this guy. So maybe you do your best to convince yourself you admire his arrogance or enjoy his “colorful” […]
Suffering is Optional
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is not. What’s the difference? You stub your toe. A wave of unpleasant physical sensation radiates from your toe, up your leg, and out your mouth in the form of a colorful exclamation. The whole things is over within seconds. This is pain. But then your internal dialogue starts up. You […]
Finding Your Center
I have conducted hundreds of Rolling Stone interviews. In my mind. This was a favorite pastime in my early twenties. While standing in line at the grocery store, or stuck in rush hour traffic, I would enjoy extensive imaginary discussions of my grand musical powers. James, can you please tell Rolling Stone readers how you first came to realize you […]