by James Robbins, M.A., LPC When we don’t get what we want from our romantic partner, we tend to punish him or her. It’s our way of “training” our partner to better meet our wants and needs. We withhold sex and affection. We become emotionally unavailable, spend more time at the office. We criticize, complain,… CONTINUE
Scheduling Bad Behavior
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC When are you next scheduled to misbehave? And by “misbehave,” I mean drink too much, eat too much, lie to your spouse, lose your temper–whatever bad habits you’re trying to work through. Probably you don’t have these items on your official “to do” list. Yet, they still get done, and… CONTINUE
Letting Go of Guilt
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC When you blame yourself, you experience it as guilt. When you blame someone else, you experience it as resentment. Guilt and resentment are equally exhausting and self-defeating. Both arise from the human tendency to oversimplify events, to assume suffering is caused by some identifiable human mistake or poor decision. You only feel guilty to… CONTINUE
More Money, More Problems?
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC As a therapist, I’ve been fortunate enough to work with clients from all over the world, and from a very wide variety of economic backgrounds. These days, a lot of my clients are what I call 3 percenters. Who are the 3 percenters? Individuals who make 100k or more annually are… CONTINUE
Chasing the Next Big Thing
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC Not getting what you want doesn’t make you happy. Obviously. But neither does getting what you want. It’s human nature to focus on the Next Big Thing. A wedding, a promotion, a cross-country move. You’re waiting for that thing to happen because then life will be better. And life probably… CONTINUE
Letting Go of Suffering
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC Pain is different than suffering. You stub your toe. A wave of unpleasant physical sensation comes and goes. The whole thing is done in 90 seconds or less. That’s pain. You could say that some degree of pain is inevitable in life. But suppose after you stub your toe,… CONTINUE
3 Keys to a Successful Relationship
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC Collectively, my wife and I share about 40 years experience working with couples from all walks of life. We were recently talking shop, discussing what factors we see most consistently in the happiest, healthiest couples. Here are the Big Three: Steady chemical base Here, I’m calling a “chemical” anything you consume. Medication,… CONTINUE
What Do You Collect?
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC Everyone collects something. Money, experiences, feelings, awards, relationships, ideas. Whatever your preferred “collectable,” you’ve learned to grab as much as you can before someone else does. This becomes the central focus of your life. You collect this, then this, then this, and you stuff it all into a shoebox beneath… CONTINUE
Who Can You Really Trust?
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC You buy an antique at a roadside flea market. You’re uncertain at first, because the market has a no return policy. But the seller of this particular antique is a lovable little old lady with a picture of her grandkids printed on her t-shirt. She seems sincere and trustworthy, so… CONTINUE
When Someone Mistreats You, How Do You Move On?
by James Robbins, M.A., LPC Forgiveness doesn’t work. Neither does forgetting. Why? Because both assume you have been wronged, and that you’re doing someone else a favor by not punishing them for it. “I forgive you ” really means We both know you did something bad, but I am choosing not to give you the… CONTINUE
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